This week’s article we’ll be covering people pleasing, which is an important topic to discuss as the past few articles we talked about how to be charismatic, developing social skills and become more likeable. And if you don’t understand the difference then these tips and guides could sound a lot like ways to become a people pleaser.
Hence today we’ll be talking about the 3 tell tale signs you’re a people pleaser and to discuss what is genuine charisma. We’re be covering subtle signs that you might be doing in your own life, how to get rid of those people pleasing characteristics.
Conflicting match between what you think and what you say
Try remembering a time when you caught yourself saying something that isn’t align with what you’re thinking. Think of the times at work when one of your work colleagues gives you a task which you do but if given a choice, you wouldn’t?
Do you find yourself saying quotes like:
- “No problem!”,
- “Sure, I don’t mind at all!”
- “Happy to help out”
But within your mind you have thoughts like:
- “Why am i here?”
- “Can’t you ask someone else?”
- “No I don’t want to help you”
These are strong signs that you’re likely people pleasing during these social situations. While this is can be seen as being considerate and nice, the problem comes when you realise that you reacting to social situations this way becomes a habit. People who constantly give into others tend to lack strong opinion, and they place other peoples’ wants and needs above them.
What people pleasers don’t realise is that they’ve shut out their own internal voice. And despite how friendly, kind and likeable they are to everyone around them, they do not possess genuine charisma. This is because they lack self assurance and self conviction, and people can detect that.
Trying to get something without being explicit about it
Now there’s nothing wrong with working for something you want in return, to be motivated by self gain. Problems however, arise when you start to make what is known as convert contracts. Which can be thought of as doing something that is seemingly out of generosity but you’re actually expecting something in return. In scenarios where you don’t get something in return, you’ll end up becoming resentful.
Were you ever in a situation where you’re doing extra something for your boss in hopes of a promotion or a pay raise, without having a formal agreement. Promotion season comes and you end up not getting the promotion you thought u deserved or worked for. This issue in such situations lies in you not having authenticity.
All those “nice” things that you were doing for your boss were not out of genuine kindness. Humour me and look up a subreddit community r/niceguys, which is a community about self proclaimed “nice guys” who are actually manipulative selfish individuals.
As you can see in the following screenshot:
A genuine personal will tend to be consistent across all social groups. If you’re naturally bubbly and friendly, chances are that you’re going to be the same to your boss, work colleagues, family and peers.
But when you’re in a people pleasing mode, you break out of your inherent personality and shifting relative to who you interact with. For example during business meetings with your boss you’re seeking to impress, do you catch someone who is typically dull and lacklustre to suddenly be energised, asking intelligent questions, making good dialogue with the boss. And the moment your boss leaves, the colleague immediately loses his enthusiasm.
It could be your colleague, your family or you. This behaviour is perhaps the most prominent sign of a people pleaser. The problem is that most of the time the person you’re faking to will notice the lack of authenticity in your behaviour. Especially when that person has seen you at your lowest, they can tell when you’re faking.
So now the natural question to ask is…
How do you get back genuine charisma?
Genuine charisma is a personality trait that would make you more likeable but not be seen as a pushover or a people pleaser. There are 3 steps you’ll need to do in order to get genuine charisma.
Get back in touch with your internal voice
This can be a little tough to do for people pleasers. One tip I encourage my readers to do is to find a person that you’ve occasionally tried to please and ask yourself this question: “If I knew this person would be okay with it, I would __”
For example, If I knew my boss would be okay with me not laughing at all his dumb jokes, then I wouldn’t have been forcing myself to do so.
See the first step is about being internally honest as it brings back your self assurance and your conviction. Which leads us to step two.
How you express that
The problem with being people pleasers is that they often view it rather straightforwardly with only two outcomes. Let’s take this example again, If I do not laugh at my boss’s dumb jokes, he’ll be upset and it’ll ruin his impression of me.
Whatever it is, often times in the real world there is a 3rd option; Maybe I don’t have to not laugh at all his dumb jokes, I could humour him from time to time and joke with him too which would probably gel with him well.
That is a way to find that 3rd option that is sometimes a compromise from the two option. Which is a great way for you to accommodate people while still protecting your own self interest.
Pay attention to consistent personality traits
The third and final step is to the ways you usually carry yourself around others, your inherent personality. And if you can’t come to a default personality, then you’re likely a people pleaser.
If you feel like you can only be fun and easy going with people that you know you want to them to like you (e.g your boss, crush, friends), that’s people pleasing. But if you genuinely find it comfortable and enjoyable to be fun and easy going with everyone around you, even to strangers you meet, people you don’t stand to gain anything from. Then that is genuine charisma.
There is a fine line between being a people pleaser and having genuine charisma. What distinguishes between the two is that having genuine charisma comes from building your personality.
The change comes when you’re no longer trying to gain or benefit from something by doing something for others, you’re instead enjoying what you give in and of itself. If you want to learn more about how to develop your workplace interpersonal skills go straight to our articles here!